San Diego Stays Classy

Sometimes, you read something so migraine-inducing that all you can do is back away and hope for everyone’s sake that it’s satire because the alternative is just too horrible. This morning, our own local San Diego Union-Tribune published just such an article. It seems, you see, that op-ed columnist Logan Jenkins is in the throes of a long-standing love affair…with plastic bags.

In my domestic world view, you can never have too many filmy bags close at hand.

At the grocery checkout, I always request plastic, never paper. If a clerk at the drugstore asks me if I need a sack for a small item, I say, “Yes, thanks.” If I spot a plastic bag floating around like a white jellyfish – and it’s not too filthy – I snag it like it’s my lucky day. Same thing goes for the slick sleeves protecting the daily newspaper. They go right into the bin underneath the kitchen sink.

Every now and then, our supply of bags runs low – and panic sets in. Time to go shopping to restore the essential stockpile.

What? Seriously? Who says things like this? Logan Jenkins does, apparently, and he has an excuse at the ready to explain away his raging obsessive-compulsive bagophilia:

Frankly, I can’t imagine urban life without the convenient bags that conform to the human hand as it grasps – and then quickly reverses into a clean, tidy, knotted sack – what our golden retriever regularly leaves behind with shameless gusto.

Oh, well sure. That makes perfect sense. As a cat owner, I too keep a vault of grocery bags that I fished out of the ocean to deal with her litter box needs… oh wait, no I don’t, because that’s crazy. So I guess that would be fine if Mr. Jenkins just wanted to air his personal issues, but of course he has a further agenda. Perhaps you can deduce what that agenda might be?

If Solana Beach and now Encinitas are true harbingers of San Diego County’s future – and I fear they fit that futuristic bill – then my days of copping free poop bags appear to be numbered.

Our coastal paladins are on a crusade to banish from the planet the most useful, flexible, sublime – and cheapest – packaging device in human history. Yes, there are those who might call this anti-plastic campaign a responsible reaction to an inconvenient truth about the earth’s health. I, on the other hand, call it an atrocity, the mass extermination of a noble species of human invention. In a (new) word, it’s . . . bagocide.

Oh, for the love of… well, there it is. Bagocide. Now, don’t get me wrong — I can understand how one might appreciate the convenience of disposable plastic bags. They really do have their own certain charms (when one overlooks the costs, anyway). But the second one starts throwing around words like “sublime” and “atrocity” and “bagocide” (and no, I did not add the italics for emphasis, they’re italicized in the original piece), it all starts sounding a little preposterous. Further frustrating is that Jenkins spends an entire section outlining the cons and environmental detriment caused by plastics and their paper counterparts. After this, however, he reiterates his passion for polymers (”I’ll cherish every free bag and value it like stolen gold. I’ll hoard the sacks like a survivalist stocking up on bullets and beans…”), blames “litterbugs” for all the world’s environmental issues ruining his doggy quality time, and snidely comments that he expects San Diego will have no choice but to shop “Euro-style” with reusables — as if following Europe’s lead is somehow supposed to be an insult. To round out the article, Jenkins really — to borrow his own phrase — goes for the gusto himself with this gem:

Before it’s too late, dog owners and free-market libertarians must form packs, as well as PACs, in support of this threatened industrial species. Who knows? Sanctuary cities, while imposing and enforcing Draconian anti-litterbug laws, could declare themselves plastic friendly – and proud of it.

Maybe the tide will turn if millions of Americans get off the whale bandwagon and wail in unison:

Save the Bags!

There you have it: damn the whales, save the plastic bags. So there are two options here. Either Logan Jenkins fancies himself some sort of modern-day environmental Jonathan Swift, or he truly believes what he’s writing. The former seems plausible — some columnists build whole careers on being incendiary, and it’s made some very wealthy indeed. A certain demographic seems to love reading characters, especially a good cantankerous Andy Rooney-type. Perhaps this is just an over-the-top article meant to stimulate discussion on the subject. Maybe he wants his readers to think about their everyday actions and perhaps look into ways to better their routines. Or maybe he just wanted, like Swift, to write a shocking and scandalously black-humor piece on a serious subject — an attempt that this time sadly missed the mark, as it fell short of humor and comments are already cropping up in a show of support for his “cause.” Are any of these it, Mr. Jenkins? Can I have the relief of knowing that you’re just trying to be lighthearted, or at least instigating and subversive? I really would like an answer.

Because the only alternative is that you really believes this, and the only relief that can bring me will come in the form of two headache pills and a dark, quiet room.

Thursday, June 12th, 2008 at 12:04 pm and is filed under The Daily. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.